Living the Spiral Path

Nobody's Perfect

2011-05-20T14:23:00.000-03:00

As parents, we do what's best for our children. When they're babies, we feed them, change their diapers, cuddle them and rock them. As toddlers we take their hand and steady them as they take their first steps, holding our breath when they're brave enough to let go and hope they don't fall. As they grow up we dry their tears, kiss their boo-boos, and hug their blues away. We comfort them, nurture them, love them, and in turn are teaching them to love and nurture. We want them to grow confident, self assure, and aware of how special and unique they truly are, that they really can be anyone they want.

There are days when I hear "Uuuggghh!!!" and the bedroom door slam, and I wonder if my daughter hears a word I say. Moments where she's said something nasty to a friend and I think who is this child? Then I realize that she's no different from any other child, or any other person. We all have moments of frustration or upset when we say or do the wrong thing only to regret it soon after. Nobody's perfect, not our children, and certainly not parents. Parents tend to want to do what's best for their children, not realizing that what they want is not necessarily what is best. And sometimes how we handle when our kids don't agree with us and take heed is less than stellar. Everyone makes mistakes, but that's how we learn. Our children need to learn how to handle things in positive and negative situations, how to exist in a world where people are far from perfect, and understanding that there can be as many moments of hurt and anguish as there will be of joy and happiness. Teaching our kids how to act and react during these moments is integral to their social growth and development. If our children are going to respect our guidance, we need to set the example.

At some point we have to have faith in how we've raised them, hope that we've given them morals and values, and taught them everything they need to think for themselves and make their own choices in life. We may not agree with their choices all the time, but they do need to choose for themselves. And they need to know that even if we don't agree with them, that they can always come to us, and talk to us about anything and everything. Our kids need to know that home is their safe place, where they can express themselves and not be judged and where they know they are loved unconditionally.

Journalling

2011-05-16T14:00:00.000-03:00

Daily Om ~ May 16, 2011
Letting Your Voice Be Heard ~ Writing Your Story
Writing your own story can provide an outlet which can help purge any frustration, anxiety, or long-dormant feelings.

The Daily Om today is very timely, despite the fact that it's more centered on writing your memoirs and not just journalling privately or blogging. In a sense blogging can be akin to writing your memoirs because with blogging you are putting yourself out there in a public forum where your thoughts, ideas and experiences are available for anyone to read. Some people may not like or agree with what you write, but that doesn't matter. The point is to express your opinions and share what fuels you on your journey through life. Expressing your feelings with words enables you to validate your life, getting rid of "frustration, anxiety, or long-dormant feelings". It also allows you to celebrate your joys and happiness, the many blessings of your life. You don't have to be a great writer, just let your thoughts flow naturally and don't be surprised if you discover insights and truths about yourself, who you are and what you desire for you to live a full and happy life.

I've been neglecting my own journal and had pretty much abandoned my blog, however reading the Daily Om today reminded me of how much better I feel when I journal my days ups, downs, challenges and successes. It's inspired me to jump back in and get writing again.

And the Wheel Continues to Turn...

2011-05-16T08:49:00.002-03:00

It's been a few months since my last post. As I reeled in the after effects of the major breakup with my ex, and the challenges that arose from it, I noticed myself ever growing. The Wheel never stops and we must turn with it or get lost in the constant motion. I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I didn't want a relationship for a long time, I was going to spend the time figuring out what I really wanted out of my life, out of a relationship, what kind of partner I wanted, and what was necessary to keep my daughter surrounded by love and stability. Then right out of the blue, the Goddess presented me with an amazing twist. I went out with some friends to a local dance, never imagining that there would be anyone there that would even minutely spark my interest. I was so wrong. Just as we were about to leave, standing there right in front of me was an old friend. Someone I had always been interested in, the opportunity was never in place, we were always with other people. As soon as I saw him there, I knew it was the right time. Fast forward to two months later, and we are living together, respecting and loving each other, laughing and enjoying everyday we have together, but most of all we are really living, sharing our lives and truly experiencing happiness. Our children welcomed all the crazy chaos that ensued while combining our two households, and thankfully despite their age differences, they all get along fabulously.

This is what happens when you open yourself to the possibilities the Universe has for you, when you place your trust in the hands of the Goddess and God (or whatever Supreme Creative Force you adhere to). When you live everyday walking your truth, embracing who you are, your passions, your weaknesses and your strengths, choosing to live each day with the awareness of the light and brilliance that awaits you, only then are you able to truly experience true love and happiness.

Ever Mind The Law of Three

2011-01-21T15:19:00.000-04:00

As a Witch, I know the Rede by heart, strive to live by those words. But when someone we love like our own is hurting because of the actions and words of another, it is extremely difficult to refrain from seeking vengeance or retribution in some way. Especially when the someone being hurt is a 17 year old child, and the someone doing the hurting is her soon to be stepmother, who incidentally makes Cinderella's Evil Stepmother more like the Fairy Godmother. I kid you not. I would love nothing more than to unleash all kinds of nasty on her, and she would deserve every ounce of it. Unfortunately it is not my job to dole out justice and punishment. Instead I will take comfort that the child has a great Mom, that I am able to surround her with love and protection, and that the universe will see to the Evil Stepmother in due course.

Increased Awareness = Increased Confidence

2011-01-19T14:49:00.000-04:00

I've been wandering through ThinkExist dot com, getting inspiring quotes everywhere I turn. I came across this quote from Aleister Crowley, and it has been stuck in my mind for over a week now.

“I was asked to memorise what I did not understand; and, my memory being so good, it refused to be insulted in that manner."

I've always perceived that this was in reference to individuals that do not seek a deeper knowledge of things presented to them. For example, there are many people who go to church and follow their pastor, believing everything he says without asking questions or thinking for themselves. This happens in more instances than just religious and spiritual circles, I know, but the depth of its validity didn't hit me until I thought about it in relevance to my with ending my relationship. This quote to me is a metaphor. What I've been asked to memorize is to do what someone else needs to be happy with no thought to how it effects me negatively. I've been so consumed with wanting him to love me that I completely lost myself in him, what he needed, what he wanted. I put everything I value and want in a relationship aside because I was afraid of being alone. My dad left us during my childhood, and every romantic relationship I've been in since then I've watched myself doing everything to please the other person so they wouldn't leave me, even though I knew it was wrong. I could see the logic of why that thinking is ridiculous and yet was paralyzed to break it. Until now. The decision to leave is my refusing to be insulted any further. The past few days I have felt more like myself than I have in a long, long, long time. I have renewed confidence in myself and my abilities, and my self worth and value have increased by leaps and bounds. I feel light and happy. I have a long way to go and the road will be bumpy, but I am content knowing that I am doing the best thing I can for me and my Ladybug. Who, by the way, has decided that Ladybug is a babies magical name and she shall now be known as Shadowfax because she loves horses and thinks that Shadowfax is the most beautiful horse she's ever seen. She is so cute. I also thought it was interesting she would choose Shadowfax when my matron Goddess is Epona.

In other news, I'm excited that my new book The Witches Qabalah by Ellen Cannon Reed arrived today!! The mail lady knew I was waiting for it, knows that my car is broke down, and with the snow I probably wouldn't think to walk up and check the boxes, so she brought it right in to me today!! Love her! I look forward to getting back into the study of my Thoth deck with the addition of this book as a resource.

And the Cosmic Butt Kicking Continues

2011-01-15T21:53:00.000-04:00

So much has been going on in my head, I've been a roller coaster of emotions. I still don't know if my bearings are any more stable, but I've made some really important decisions that have left me scared to death, despite knowing that the decisions had to be made.

Daily Om ~ January 12, 2011
Creating A Harmonious Home ~ A Home Of Love
Our homes can become chaotic; it is at these times that we have the power to decide to bring more love into our homes.

Or find a new home altogether because the one that you spent the last 10 years trying to bring more love into keeps biting you in the bum. My partner and I have had major problems for years because of his jealousy and insecurities, neither of which I can make better. I've never done anything to betray his trust and he still cannot give me the trust and respect that I want... that I need to feel safe and truly loved... I deserve that, I know I do. I can't live like I'm walking on eggshells anymore, I'm tired of being given the third degree when I go to teach my exercise classes, or do anything that doesn't involve my child (because if I'm not taking her with me, I must be up to something right??). I need to be on my own for a while, just my Ladybug and me. I hate like hell to leave, but at this point I've checked out so far emotionally that leaving is really all that is left to do anyway. What really saddens me is that I'm more upset about leaving the house and my awesome claw foot tub, than I am about leaving him.

Daily Om ~ January 13, 2011
Removing Obstructions ~ Allowing Our Light To Shine
When we don't feel ourselves shining, we can tune inward to find the block that prevents us from shining our light.

It's become painfully clear that the block I've been experiencing is my relationship..... It's why I can't get online for rituals or even spend as much time as I would like on the boards or my studies. My spirituality, my home here in Sacred Mists, is so important to me, but because he doesn't understand why I need to be on the computer, I limit myself so that I don't upset him. If I were to go into chat with him home, he would freak out (and has) because I'm obviously looking for another man. It's just so exhausting.

Daily Om ~ January 14, 2011
A New Level Of Mastery ~ Coming Full Circle
The reappearance of a pattern is often a sign that we have come full circle and we are close to a new level of mastery.

Too many times I've told him exactly what I thought, and too many times he promised to do better, and too many times I've let it go and tried to make things work just to keep my family together.

I can't do it anymore. I feel empty and broken. It's time to move on, no matter how hard it is. I've not told him yet. He's still in another province. He knows how unhappy I am but still has made no effort to talk to me about what needs to change and I'm all done pushing him. I've already looked at an apartment close by but I won't tell him or anyone else until right before I move out, which will be the weekend before Feb 1st. That way the transition will be easier for Ladybug, and neither of us will have to deal with the ugly mess that would take place if he were to know and come home early before I could get our stuff out.

I haven't been eating or sleeping well. I have this knot in my stomach that just won't go away. I don't know how he's going to react and that scares me. I don't know how Ladybug will take it and that scares me. I still love him, I just can't live like this anymore.

Cosmic Kick

2011-01-07T19:59:00.005-04:00

The DailyOm is determined to draw my awareness to the personal wellbeing and shadow work that I need to do. Oddly well timed considering all that has permeated my thoughts and actions as of late.

Here is my DailyOm Horoscope for today:
January 7, 2011 ~ Sides Of The Self ~ Virgo Daily Horoscope

Your health will likely be your number one priority today, even if you usually give little consideration to the needs of the body. As you are likely in a robust mood, you may feel an intense connection to your physical self. This can inspire you to pay more attention to what you eat and to devote a larger portion of your leisure time to pursuits that will have a positive impact on your overall wellness. Your search for health can take over your thoughts today, so try to internalize the importance of balance before you add to your health regimen. The more passionate you are with regard to your bodily wellbeing today, the stronger you will likely become on the whole.

While we may feel a strong inclination to focus on the development of our souls, we should always endeavor to give our physical vessels the attention and nourishment they require. Humans are dual-natured beings, which means that maintaining a balanced existence is a matter of internalizing the needs of both the ethereal and the corporeal. We can make certain that this latter element of the self is healthy by dedicating some portion of our time to activities that promote strength, agility, and bodily wellness. However little the demands of the corporeal body interest us, we prime ourselves to give the soul adequate attention by striving to foster whole self wellbeing through eating well and exercise. You will ready yourself to encounter any challenge—spiritual or physical—today when you are cognizant of the very real needs of your earthly self.

The past couple of weeks have been hell as far as healthy eating and being active is concerned. I felt so horrid for the last while that nurturing myself in any real and wholesome way was completely outweighed with the ease of giving in to cravings, ordering from the canteen, and comforting my blahs with treats. I despise the relationship I have with food and how easily it is to get off track in regards to my health and fitness goals. So today I went to the SaveEasy to get the bare minimum of grocery needs until I get into the city to do some real grocery shopping. I bought fresh fruit and vegetables, cheese and yogurt, smoked ham and chicken. I already had potatoes and rice at home. I'm hoping that this will help get my meals back on track. Tonight I am pampering myself with a lovely soak in my tub with a Rootbeer Float Bath Bomb, chakra incense, followed by head to toe vanilla moisturizing lotion, and painting my toenails. Tomorrow I am going to the All Day Fitness Party at the fitness center and in the afternoon am facilitating the Strong Woman Competition. All of these things will help me regain my balance not only in the mundane areas of life, but also spiritually as well. I've been spending time working on some realistic spiritual goals. Doing so is allowing me to feel so strong and free in every aspect of my being. I am feeling 2011 will be a stellar year.

And the DailyOm message for today:
January 7, 2011 ~ Beyond Behavior ~ Defense Mechanisms
Defense mechanism behaviors that have worked for you in the past may not fit you anymore and need to change.

We all have defense mechanisms that we've developed over time, often without being aware of it. In times of trouble, the behaviors that have worked to get us past challenges with the least amount of pain are the ones that we repeat; even when part of us knows they no longer work. Such behavior is a natural response from our mental and physical aspects. But because we are spiritual beings as well, we have the ability to rise above habits and patterns to see the truth that lay beyond. And from that moment on, we can make choices that allow us to work directly from that place of truth within us.

Most of our defense mechanisms were developed in childhood; from the moment that we realized crying would get us the attention we craved. Passive aggressive ways of communicating may have allowed us to get what we needed without being scolded, punished or laughed at, so we learned to avoid being direct and honest. Some of us may have taken refuge in the lives of others, discovering ways to direct attention away from ourselves entirely. Throwing ourselves into projects or rescuing others from themselves can be effective ways to avoid dealing with our own issues. And when people are truly helped by our actions, we get the added bonus of feeling heroic. But while defenses can keep away the things we fear, they can also work to keep our good from us.

When we can be honest with ourselves about what we truly desire, then we can connect our desires to the creative power of the spirit within us. Knowing that we are one with the energy of the universe allows us release any need for defense. Trusting that power, we know that we are exactly where we are meant to be, and that challenges bring gifts of growth and experience. When we can put down arms raised in defense, then we are free to use our hands, minds, hearts and spirits to mold and shape our abundant energy to create and live our lives.

This spoke to me on so many levels, but mostly in regards to my relationship. Things have to change, and it all comes back to how I've chosen to handle things, my defense mechanisms, and my behaviors and actions trying to keep everyone else happy, making sure everyone else was okay and trying to fix things that are not my job to fix, all the while forgetting about my own basic needs. I know I have it in me to make change. I know I have to put fear aside and remain focused on the happiness, wellbeing and quality of life of myself and my child.

It Is What It Is

2011-01-07T11:36:00.001-04:00

While looking through Aleister Crowley quotes, searching for one suitable to my mood to put as my FB status and came across this. I don't remember reading it before, but Uncle Al's work usually does take a few reads before sinking in fully. Despite (or maybe because of) his deviances, I find him incredibly brilliant.

"But it so happens that everything on this planet is, ultimately, irrational; there is not, and cannot be, any reason for the causal connexion of things, if only because our use of the word "reason" already implies the idea of causal connexion. But, even if we avoid this fundamental difficulty, Hume said that causal connexion was not merely unprovable, but unthinkable; and, in shallower waters still, one cannot assign a true reason why water should flow down hill, or sugar taste sweet in the mouth. Attempts to explain these simple matters always progress into a learned lucidity, and on further analysis retire to a remote stronghold where every thing is irrational and unthinkable.

If you cut off a man's head, he dies. Why? Because it kills him. That is really the whole answer. Learned excursions into anatomy and physiology only beg the question; it does not explain why the heart is necessary to life to say that it is a vital organ. Yet that is exactly what is done, the trick that is played on every inquiring mind. Why cannot I see in the dark? Because light is necessary to sight. No confusion of that issue by talk of rods and cones, and optical centres, and foci, and lenses, and vibrations is very different to Edwin Arthwait's treatment of the long-suffering English language.

Knowledge is really confined to experience. The laws of Nature are, as Kant said, the laws of our minds, and, as Huxley said, the generalization of observed facts.

It is, therefore, no argument against ceremonial magic to say that it is "absurd" to try to raise a thunderstorm by beating a drum; it is not even fair to say that you have tried the experiment, found it would not work, and so perceived it to be "impossible." You might as well claim that, as you had taken paint and canvas, and not produced a Rembrandt, it was evident that the pictures attributed to his painting were really produced in quite a different way.

You do not see why the skull of a parricide should help you to raise a dead man, as you do not see why the mercury in a thermometer should rise and fall, though you elaborately pretend that you do; and you could not raise a dead man by the aid of the skull of a parricide, just as you could not play the violin like Kreisler; though in the latter case you might modestly add that you thought you could learn.

This is not the special pleading of a professed magician; it boils down to the advice not to judge subjects of which you are perfectly ignorant, and is to be found, stated in clearer and lovelier language, in the Essays of Thomas Henry Huxley. "
— Aleister Crowley

It is in my nature to over analyze my experiences to seek the deeper truth, however more and more often I end up with the conclusion that this can cause even more confusion than what is necessary to comprehend the situation as it happened. "If you cut off a man's head, he dies. Why? Because it kills him. That is really the whole answer." When I read this statement it was like being hit with the proverbial 2x4. As much a benefit it may be to see what lies beneath, there is also benefit in accepting things as they are and leaving it at that. The trick is then to decipher what should be examined further and what to accept as is presented.

A World of Fantasy

2011-01-06T11:17:00.000-04:00

Years ago I went to a psychic. He told me that I prefer to live in a world of fantasy. My reaction to this observation was yes I do prefer to live in a world of fantasy. I do it all the time reading, watching movies and television shows about alternate realities, far off worlds and galaxies, that only exist in the minds of the authors who create them and the readers who love them.

It only occurred to me recently what living in a world of fantasy really meant.

I prefer to look at the brighter things in life, every cloud has a silver lining, see the glass as half full as opposed to half empty, accepting and acknowledging the obstacles and negatives for what they are but not allowing them to permeate my being. Looking for a solution instead of complaining about the problem. The eternal optimist. I always believed this to be a positive character trait, one that separated me from the mass of individuals who prefer to live under their gloomy cloud, succumbing to depression, feeding off of the energy of those around them instead of taking action and control of their lives.

For several months, perhaps even a year, I have been struggling with many personal obstacles. While other areas of my life seem to be flowing at an even pace, without much effort from myself, the decade long relationship with my boyfriend (and the father of my child) has been faltering.

Something has been missing for a long time now, and while our sex life is pretty much in the toilet, I knew it wasn’t the sex that was missing. The lack of sex was a result of whatever it was that was missing. I grew tired of feeling like I was the only one who cared about our relationship, suggesting things to do as a family and as a couple only to be shot down at every turn. So I have become detached, unresponsive, checking out emotionally, becoming more resentful as the days go by. And I pretend. I pretend things are okay so that I don’t have to admit that there is anything wrong, therefore no hard decisions need to be made, or so it would seem. I put up with a lot of crap but all the while I’m dropping bits here and there building up until I have the guts to have a real conversation about what is needed to make this work. I alter the perception of my reality, so I don’t have to deal with things in a traditional manner. I can’t face it head on, so I manipulate it in a way that allows me the opportunity to “cut it off at the pass” later on. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.

We got together from a one night stand. The start of our relationship was based strictly on sex and just sort of evolved into something more. At least I thought. I put up with a lot of crap thinking that he’d eventually change because I truly felt like he wanted to be the man for me. He needed me so I stayed thinking that meant that we really loved each other. He is jealous and insecure and assumes the worst about every scenario no matter how innocent. It got to the point that it was easier not to go anywhere because if he was drinking and I talked to somebody then it was a huge fight later with me defending myself over not doing anything. However, ever since our daughter was born I’ve felt this need to correct this because I don’t think it’s right and if she was being treated this way by a boyfriend I would be mortified. Slowly but surely I’ve been asserting myself more and more, but still his insecurity is a root issue, and as such we have no adult social life whatsoever.

I get frustrated because he doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything, so when he goes away to work, I tend to visit and do more than I normally would. He gets crazy jealous assuming the absolute worse, that I’m being unfaithful and he spews off some of the most vile things I’ve ever heard. In the past I’ve always tried to make it better, but in the last while, I’ve been more assertive, standing up for myself a little more. He’s been away working all over the holidays. On New Years eve there was a dance that I wanted to go to, even though I knew that had he been home, he wouldn’t have taken me. A friend of mine, thinking it was stupid for me to sit home by myself invited me over to have a few drinks and there were a few other couples there as well. I didn’t get to the dance, but I did have fun with some friends. FUN. Who would have thought one of the things I was missing was fun. Real, out of the house, have a few drinks, a toke or two, adult conversation, FUN.

The aftermath however was not fun. A dozen or more ridiculous texts about how I must have another man and other things too vile to mention was not fun. This was not the first time this has happened, but I guarantee it will be the last. I completely stood my ground and refused to be disrespected, and refusing to go on this emotional merry go round of his any longer. It through him for a loop and he recoiled, because of course he loves me right and needs me right???? I’ve heard that so many times. And I pretended it was enough. And I preferred to live in a world of fantasy. And I am afraid that after all this time he doesn’t really love me. And I am even more afraid that after all this time, I don’t really love him. Scared to leave and scared to stay. He wants to work things out, and since this is the first time in our relationship that I have been so honest with him, I’m hopeful, but I’m not waiting forever. Lots of things have to change, and they have to want to be changed by the both of us or it will never work. I can’t help him with his own issues, he has to do that himself and figure out how to handle his insecurities and work through them.

I feel strangely empowered with a focus of care and attention on myself that I’ve never quite felt before. One foot in front of the other, and one day at a time, I’m excited to see where the Goddess leads me.